Dear Mr. President, About your Invitation

The following letter was sent to the White House.

Dear Mr. President,

I received your kind invitation in my email this morning.  [For those who didn't receive this invitation, please scroll down and see the entire message.]

As much as I would like to share a meal with you and the First Lady (it’s a school night, so I don’t believe your children would probably be joining us), I will practice my Quaker values of not gambling.  I suppose in a way, this is like the early Quakers who didn’t doff their hats to anyone, as this was their sign of treating everyone equally–it was against the law to NOT remove your hat when you were in the presence of someone of higher station than yourself.  George Fox didn’t take off his hat for the King.  Many Quakers were thrown into prison for not taking off their hats to judges and others.

So, just as I will not enter a raffle to see if I can dine with someone in my neighborhood, I will not enter a raffle to dine with my President.

I believe your intentions are well-meaning, with inviting “ordinary” people to dine with you.  Perhaps you can find a way to provide equality in the invitations, without placing the ordinary person in the position of gambling or having the financial means of “status” to accept your invitation.

With Sincere Regard,

Friend Barbara

 

Friend –

Tomorrow night, we’ll pick the first of four supporters who will sit down with me for dinner.

I’m hoping you’ll take me up on the invitation.

Will you donate $25 or whatever you can today to be automatically entered for the chance to be my first dinner guest?

These meals are one simple thing that sets this campaign apart. The seats at our table don’t belong to any Washington lobbyist or powerful interest.

These seats are yours.

Donate $25 or more today and be automatically entered to win:

https://donate.barackobama.com/The-First-Guest

Hope to see you,

Barack

Go gently with kindness of intention and action

An Invitation to add VOICE to My Quaker Mail Bag

How often have I told myself, “I should write a letter about that?”  Much more often than I actually write the letter.  Sometimes the “seasoning” of a potential letter that does not “rise” to an actuality is probably a good thing.  But, I suspect that most of the subjects that I find need more VOICE to them, would benefit from one more letter.  So, I am establishing a new category on this blog today:

My Quaker Mail Bag

Letters without postage.  Letters that address current concerns, while adhering to a 350 year old tradition:  Letters that can be copied and pasted by my wonderful readers.  (Although remember, if you change the letter, it becomes your letter, not mine.)  Letters about Behavior/Actions that believe in SPICES:

Simplicity

Peace

Integrity

Community

Equality

Stewardship

These are the Quaker testimonies.  Quakers do not have creeds or other faith-based dictates.  What Quakers have are their testimonies that each Quaker is to find his or her way in following, mentoring, establishing:  essentially “walking the walk.”

Image via Wikipedia

Photo of a Quaker Meeting for Worship with a Concern for Business at a Yearly Meeting.  Everyone is equal in their VOICE, including children.  We believe that the Spirit uses everyone to help teach others.

When we address an issue of concern, doesn’t it almost always have something to do with the above testimonies?  From saving the whales (stewardship and simplicity) to the status of our economy (equality, integrity, community, simplicity, and yes, peace), we want to better our neighborhood, our city, our state, our country, our world.

I welcome your letters, as well.  Your comments.  Your passion and strength of voice.  I also invite you to disagree with me, with a polite re-education of my views.

This blogging mailbag is to no way to reduce my or your letters to regular print media.   I will continue to send my letters to newspapers, from the New York Times to my local weekly newspaper.  I encourage you to do the same.  Reaching out with our determined VOICE is crucial in being able to help us as a community to reach unity in our efforts to “do what is right.”

So, please do, check out My Quaker Mailbag and see what I (and hopefully others) are adding VOICE to.

Be gentle with yourself and your community.

Children’s Toys–The Tools for Healthy Kids

I remember a house I used to drive by quite often.  It’s long, narrow, fenced yard contained a whole warehouse of large, plastic toys.  I thought perhaps the home was a small day-care center, or babysitting arrangement.  Since I drove by usually to or from work, I assumed that the reason I never saw any children in the yard, playing with all the toys, was because it was too early or too late in the day.

And then I received a request to make a home visit for a young boy in a special program.  As I drove slowly up the street, peering at faded address numbers, I was somewhat surprised to see that the address I was seeking was the same address of that yard with all the toys.

After several home visits, with children in the home, I never did see a child actually play with any of those toys.  I also had met and spoken with a young mother who was doing her best to be a parent, refusing all offers to have others give her assistance.  Her children were struggling with age-appropriate developmental relationships, as well as with enduring a constant challenge to be successful in school.

All those toys.  Never used.  Never enjoyed.  Never supervised.  Toys that looked like there must be a playful family who lived in that home.  Nothing to indicate that the family was failing.

Since that long-ago visit, I’ve seen several homes that had yards full of large, plastic toys of every color and description.  As of yet, I have not seen children actually playing with any of those toys.

Does this tell us anything about our culture?  How we wish for others to see us?  How we believe that parenting may be enhanced by the number of toys that a child has access to?

Here are some of my thoughts:  Most children will only play with a new toy for a limited (very limited) time, unless that toy can be part of the child’s metaphorical play-land.  It’s why I believe that smaller toys that can be easily manipulated are played with much more frequently.

And does the parent engage with the child on the large yard toys or the smaller “creative” toys in the house?  For example, how often does the parent go down the plastic slide vs. how often does the parent play with blocks and “Lego’s?”

For a child to enjoy the fantasy of imagination, and the interactive play with others, usually the child will opt for (as will the parent) the smaller toys, especially things like blankets and card tables, paper and markers, mom’s old dresses and dad’s old tools.

I would wish that parents could recognize the absolute value in the creative process, parallel play for the toddlers and interactive play for four and above–and use all the tools (TOYS) that promote healthy physical and emotional development.

One of the primary features of using one’s imagination is to be “sparked” into creativity.  So, with all toys, indoor or outdoor–please try to find a “place for each toy” so that the child isn’t always “tripping over” or always sees the same toys–put the toys away and then bring them out, one by one, put them away and then bring them out again.  A child will do much better with playing with her toys if she doesn’t always have them under foot, so to speak.

Toys for creative endeavors, parents who can join in with their child’s play, and the use of  both best of indoors and outdoors will promote a child’s ability to grow at or above an age-appropriate developmental skill level.  It is not the yard full of toys, but rather the heart full of inspiration and sharing, that provides the child with a healthy playful childhood.

I still see yards full of abandoned plastic toys.  I still experience children who are struggling to have a healthy childhood.  For your next gift, think “what can my child do with this toy WITH me.”  And the follow through?  How can I eliminate (recycle/re-gift) the toys that my child no longer plays with?

Be gentle with yourself and your children.

Parenting Memories Bring More Joy As We Age

I just commented on Melissa’s Play 101 blog about how much our kids bring us joy–and then added the cravat that the “joy” may come after years of “downtime.”

Here’s my story to support the above statement:

 

Image via Wikipedia

One aspect of shopping today that remains very much like shopping in the 1970′s are fabric shops.  Bolts of cloth, spools of thread, and little packages of rick-rack all are displayed in the same way.  (The huge difference between fabric stores of then and of now is that there is less fabric now with a whole lot more of “crafting” goods.  Not a good store for the person who has an imagination but little time.  I’m still trying to find “homes” for so much that I bought 20-30 years ago and “packed away until I had time.”  Good grief, there is no way I even know what I bought all that material for.)  Oh, but I digress.

So you can see that once I’m in a fabric shop, my “oh I could make this” part of my brain takes over, to the exclusion of all else.  Including children.  Small children.  My small child.

It really couldn’t have been that long of a time that I had noticed my two-year-old, toddling beside me, looking at all the fabric, could it?  I suddenly came to and noticed that my sweet child was not at my side at the very moment that an elderly shopped raised her voice, among a chorus of women’s voices to say,”This child has to have a mother in this store!”  (I know, it was “then” and we didn’t have to worry about people kidnapping our children.  There was more of a worry that someone would slip them a whole candy bar.)

Yes, it was my special, sweet daughter who had figured out how to take ALL the zippers out of their carefully arranged, stair-stepped display.  She had managed to empty about 2/3′s of the display before she was discovered.  A hundred zippers were strewn across the floor.

Between embarrassment at having left my child alone so long that she had time to dismantle the zipper department; and, embarrassment at being such a bad parent that my child would indulge in such an awful display of behavior, I picked her up and quickly carried her to our car, trying to escape being identified and censured by all the other women in that store.

Almost 40 years later and I am smiling.  What a wonderful memory.  But I didn’t smile at the time.  And I didn’t return to that fabric shop for a very long time.

I’m so glad that we have grown as a society/culture so that we understand and give support to young parents with young children.  I hope that in these days, if a child empties the zipper display, that supporting shoppers will get down on their hands and knees and help reduce the carnage of a child who was simply entertaining herself as her mother was taking a momentary time-out from being a 100% available parent.

Be gentle with yourself and your children.

Adolescent Mental Health Therapy–It’s in the Experience

Here in Washington State there is a current concern about meeting the mental health needs of adolescents, specifically around two issues:

1. Intervene in an adolescent’s life before that adolescent causes harm to others (I believe the worry is about public safety and reducing crime), and
2. Providing that adolescent with “evidenced-based” therapy–NOT talk therapy, that has not yielded positive results.

I wish I could find the folks who are trying to get our legislature to address these two concerns.  Here is what I would say:

First:  Our ability to determine who is GOING to commit a crime leaves us wide open to being extremely judgmental based upon—what criteria???

As a therapist, I was reality-oriented and had a fairly good idea of how individual adolescents reacted to given situations; but as for committing a crime BEFORE the incident took place?  Hmmm.

What I think our caring adults are concerned about really has to do with those adolescents who have poor self-esteem, who are at risk for dropping out of school, who have not found a positive, safe place in the world.  For whatever reason, overall, these adolescents usually present themselves as unable to be successful in school.  They begin to seek other ways in which to form alliances and feel good about themselves.

What can we do for these kids?

First: dropping out of school is NOT an option.  Every kid has the ability to be successful in school in some form or other.  How are we NOT meeting these needs?

Second: Evidenced-based therapy has unfortunately NOT looked at the interventions that are NOT considered to be “therapy.”  By this, I mean, the folks who do the numbers for positive outcomes for therapy very rarely look outside of traditional “talk therapy.”  I would refer all who are concerned about Evidenced-Based Therapy to spend some time with Dr. Donald Meichenbaum, Research Director of The Melissa Institute.

Third:  Experiential Therapy is extremely valuable in being able to use “talk therapy.”  Without the experiential event, the adolescent is often unable to “get it.”  My favorite Experiential Therapy involves three forms of “events.”

A)  Events that are structured around Adventure Based Counseling (ABC) techniques are excellent at promoting “learning from the inside-out.” Understanding based upon having participated while growing in knowledge is the best form of “getting it.”  Any school room, counselor’s office, playground, open space can be utilized to having an adolescent participate in ABC.

B) That adolescents are within a group as they experience this growing “inside” knowledge.  The group can be classmates or family.  Family ABC is terrific in changing family dynamics.  Any classroom with any set of peers can be used to create an ABC event.

C) Use of “talk therapy” has to be relevant to the adolescent.  Honesty and non-judgmental feedback are also a must.  There is a structure for this type of therapy that began at the Wyoming Girls School.  It instantly provides the adolescent with a sense of being in the presence of an adult who “understands” and is “honest.”

To intervene with caring and honesty, we need to look at how we promote our own values on kids whose experiential understanding is so different from ours.  That doesn’t mean that we change our expectations, it means that we have to meet them where they are and then give them the experiences to change.  Please, in understanding how schools can meet needs, take a look at Rafe Esquith’s classroom at Hobart Elementary School.

Please feel free to add your own understandings about this subject.

Be gentle with yourself and all of our children.

 

60 months to Kindergarten Entry Social and Emotional Development

There is so much concern and questions raised about the spectrum of Autism that I thought it might be helpful to list some normal development aspects for babies and toddlers before the age of five.  This will be in a series of posts, determined by the physical age of the child.

Today’s post is for children ages 60 months to Kindergarten Entry.

From “Washington State Early Learning and Development Benchmarks–Review Draft, November 2004.”

Goal:  Children demonstrate belief in their abilities and are proud of their accomplishments

Some Indicators for Children:

• Approaches new tasks and situations enthusiastically.
• Expresses delight over a successful project and wants others to like it too.
• Joins small groups confident after observing for a short time.

Some Strategies for Caregivers:

• Provide child with challenging opportunities that will enhance abilities.
• Give child realistic chores and make a chart of all the work accomplished.
• Demonstrate confidence in child by allowing him/her to make reasonable decisions and choices.

Image via Wikipedia

By the time a child starts Kindergarten, the child is typically comfortable and looks forward to playing with peers.  There are two basic types of play:  parallel play and interactive play.

Before a child learns to SHARE, GIVE and BE PATIENT, that child will probably seek comfort in parallel play.  These are children who can play in the same space, but they do not play with the same toys or try to interact in a team-building experience.  These are usually three-four year olds who still clutch what is theirs and feel threatened if another toddler takes anything that they feel belongs to them.

In interactive play, children seek to join in with their peers.  They are often watchful at first, trying to figure out how to “play” like the others.  Often this type of play shows parents the budding personality structure of their child:  confident, shy, demanding, fearful, determined, etc.  At this time, parents can help a child to become more successful by learning from the child and then playing later with the child and helping the child to overcome possible constraints; or, helping the child to include others in a leadership role.

When children are unable to be responsive to others, do not seek accolades, are uncomfortable with small groups, have a set routine and finds new tasks challenging–these children are at risk for not being able to be successful in a typical classroom setting.  These children need assessment and intervention to help them build upon their strengths.

If you know of a child who is struggling with the above criteria, seek out knowledgable people who can provide an understanding of the child’s behavior and gentle intervention methods.

If you know of a parent of a child who is struggling, offer to listen, to learn from them.  You may not be able to offer respite care, but you can be a friend who makes that extra trip to the store for them.  The amount of energy that parents exert to help their children who do not have the resources to always and easily obey requests is enormorous.  Friendship is invaluable to the parent who lives every day loving and caring for the child who is struggling.

Be gentle with yourself and those who are in your life’s circle.

Social and Emotional Development 36-60 months

There is so much concern and questions raised about the spectrum of Autism that I thought it might be helpful to list some normal development aspects for babies and toddlers before the age of five.  This will be in a series of posts, determined by the physical age of the child.

Today’s post is for toddlers, ages 36 months to 60 months.

From “Washington State Early Learning and Development Benchmarks–Review Draft, November 2004.”

Social and Emotional Development from 36 months to 60 months

Some Indicators for Children:

• Expresses delight with mastery of a skill (e.g., says, “Now I can swing myself.”)
• Asks others to view own creations (e.g., says “Look at my picture.”)
• Demonstrates confidence in own abilities (e.g., “I can climb to the top of the big slide all by myself.”)
• Expresses own ideas and opinions.

Some Strategies for Caregivers:

• Encourage child to experiment with growing competence.
• Provide ample time for child to play, explore, and experiment.
• Invite child to share thoughts and feeling when accomplishing a new task.

I am reminded of a favorite story of my time with a three-year-old grandchild.  It was the day of the wedding.  With many tasks to be performed, everyone had scattered in a variety of directions (flowers for hair, dog out of kennel and to official wedding venue, great-grandparents to take care of, etc).  In the last quiet moments of taking a deep breath and slipping into my wedding attire, my granddaughter and I were alone in my room.  She watched as I put on layers of finery.  Once my dress had been donned and I turned to see my reflection in the mirror, she clapped her hands and said, “You did it all by yourself.”

How marvelous that she could take her current mantra of “I can do it all by myself” and apply it to me.  Not only had she learned about the reward of self capability, she was now extending that verbal reward to me.  How many lessons had she learned in being able to state that one sentence?  How often had her own parents encouraged her to try something new, applaud her efforts and reward her with clapping and cheers?  We do mirror what we learn.

That same granddaughter, at the same time often expressed her opinions in ways that challenged all my grandmotherly efforts to have her do what I needed for her to do.  Just the day before this wonderful, glowing moment, I had to absolutely ignore her desire to NOT take a bath and simply plunk her body into the bath water, so as to remove all the sea sand and salt from a romp in the ocean.

Image by Tony Trần via Flickr

Yin and Yang.  Two and three-year-olds do test us for our abilities to be cheerleaders one moment and the adult-in-charge the next.  All are valuable lessons.  All are valuable tools.

But what happens when that 36-60 month old child doesn’t respond in a way that connects with you?  Continue to ask for eye contact, verbalize (and sign simultaneously), and ask for a response.  If you are concerned about your child’s inability to find joy with interactive play or task-work, please seek out expert help.  The ability to create and build relationship is crucial for all of us.

Be gentle with yourself and your children.