Pot: A Rite of Passage or A Port of Passage?

I awakened to a news report that marijuana usage is up by 80% in the United States–most of the increase is by teenage boys.

Close up shot of some high quality marijuana. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The report went on to say that parents are “looking the other way.”  The young users see their forage into the experimental world as less risky than using alcohol.

With the usage of marijuana in early, formative years, there is a much higher probability of increased drug use in later years, according to the research.

Survey: U.S. sees uptick in youth pot usage (washingtontimes.com)

This is what I know from my years of working with all ages of kids.

1. The younger the child that uses mind seducing drugs (including alcohol), the higher the risk for continued practice of using drugs to eliminate or get relief from the reality of feelings and actions.  Here’s a story of a child who I worked with years ago:  I met and worked with “L” when he was 12 years old.  He had been using alcohol since he was 10.  With parental knowledge.  By 12, he was increasing his alcohol usage and had started to experiment with other drugs.  His goal was to alleviate feelings of inadequacy in every realm of his life.  It was easier to escape into the world of drugs than to learn how to cope with emotional stressers.  L was an alcoholic.  L was on his way to quickly go beyond the usage of pot to greater impacting drugs.  L saw his world from a very different perspective than most adults would ever guess, as he seemed “cool” and “charming.”
2. Almost every kid I ever worked with, who had a drug issue, had started out by sipping alcohol, with parental knowledge.  As they matured into adolescents and wanted to retain their status within their peer group, they began to use easily obtained pot.  By the time I saw the kid, grades, friends, motivation, emotionality, perception of reality were all severely impacted.  Typically the adolescent had “given up” trying to find that within themselves that wanted to succeed in an culturally approved manner.  These kids often had an increased determination to “fight” to continue to cocoon themselves away from the “real world.”
3. I don’t work with adults, other than to work with parents on behalf of their children, so I don’t have stories to tell about adults who started using as children.  What I do know, from my personal life, is that I’ve known adults who learned at an early age how to numb their feelings with drugs–gradually pulling themselves into a world that can not be faced in reality, but related to through a haze of drugs (remember alcohol is a part of the drug world).
4. Our drug-related US culture encourages people to use both legal and illegal drugs.  (A baby is born every hour in the US addicted to opiates.  We are learning and practicing how to dull our pain, both physical and emotional with drugs.)

As parents, we must realize that drug usage is often not a Rite of Passage, but rather a Port of Passage.    We must mentor with our own actions and use our parental loving care and authority to teach our kids how to face the emotional realities of life without the use of numbing drugs.

Be gentle with yourself and your children.

 

 

Am I More or Less Equal?

Dear Friends,

I’ve been thinking a lot about equality, and how that concept, belief, testament and action challenges me in almost every aspect of my life.

How do I apply equality in a world driven by the basic concept of inequality?  I live in a country that is wedded to the idea that capitalism is the best way to drive an economy.  Embedded within the strict structure of capitalism is the ability to “get ahead.”  To make more money than others.

No Equality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If I can make more money, I can afford greater health care advantages, better colleges, embrace a complicated tax code that allows me to actually pay less taxes than those who make less money.  I can afford more legal advice and advantages, I can afford to drive my own car, eat organic, and travel with greater accommodations.   I can hire work to be done, hire others to care for my ailing relatives and move easily from residence to residence.

If I make less money, I can still go to college, but have to worry about the overall cost of my education:  college loans, family financial struggle, finding a job that will eventually pay for the self-indulgent years of academic study.  I will do my best to get health insurance, but worry if something should happen that I should lose it, for whatever reason.  I do my best to pay my share in taxes, but always feel as though I’m being ripped off because the wealthy are clearly not paying their share.  I do drive my car, but worry about all the costs involved in driving that vehicle.  I do my best to care for my loved ones, watching my own bank account dwindle as I meet family responsibilities.  If I have a home I can afford, whether I own, lease or rent; I am aware that by moving I am placing my greatest asset possibly on the brink of taking away any financial cushion I have.

In the meantime, I am trying to be a good world citizen.  I recycle, I don’t waste water, I use less gas, I buy less of everything, I eat as much organic as I can afford or find, and admit to being totally confused as to what is better to do:  eat locally or understand the global world of food stuffs.

Equality?  To promote equality in my current situation, I must do my best to ignore the personal stresses in trying to provide a healthy personal and global world, a just and safe community, promoting a green environment.

And I haven’t even touched on why we are continuing more jails and have less mental health; why we are building more freeway lanes, but not building rail systems, how we ignore the needs of our warming earth in favor of meeting our whims for wanting more–afraid of public censure if we approach discussions on limiting family size (can the earth support 7 billion people and not continue to heat up?).

Equality?  It is an encompassing, inclusive belief, concept, testament and action.  Can I meet the challenge?

Be gentle with yourself and our world.

The Anatomy of a Bully

When I visited a foreign country fifteen years ago, I ran into a very different approach to children who bullied:  “ignore them.”

I was told that bullying was a way in which children who did not “fit in” or represent societal norms were actually driven from school, usually in grade school.  It seemed to be the way in which a whole country accepted the necessity to relieve themselves of individuals who did not march to their common drum.

I’ve thought a lot about bullying and how bullies are created and sustained.  There are some common aspects of bullies, whether they are eight or sixty-eight.

1. We must realize that bullies are NOT born, they are Created.
2. People who allow themselves to bully, deny their empathy towards their victims.
3. Bullies practice learning how to blame others for their own actions.
4. Bullies feel entitled to do whatever it takes to get their needs met.
5. Bullies are always FEARFUL–unable to face their own fear, they act out on others.

A)  In our foreign country, bullies were created at home and sustained by schools.  The easiest way to create a bully is to accede to the child, trying to please every wish, demand, outburst, and raging behavior.  The more a parent allows the child to set the rules at home, the more the child learns to control others through intimidation, fear and out right physical attack.  For Harry Potter fans, think of Dudley: a boy was indulged constantly by his doting parents.

B)  To be able to inflict emotional or physical pain on someone else, usually we humans have to feel like we are in the act of survival–for our sense of self or for our physical body.  For a Bully, inflicting pain upon others is a wish to control them.  To see the reactions to fear and pain induce the Bully to believe that he/she has reached supremacy.  And, at the same time, the Bully is able to mask his or her own secret sense of inadequacy.

C)  When children no longer have to accept responsibility for their actions, they learn to practice how to blame others for their actions.  Somebody else always “made me do it.”  Parents who accept that their child is blameless, teach their children to look to others for explanation of reactionary behavior.  The easiest way to teach children about self-responsibility when there are more than one child in the house, is to hold each child responsible for his or her behavior.  When children learn that there are consequences for reactionary behavior, they will learn how to abstain from the instant thought and actions of “he made me do it.”

D)  When children don’t have to earn their rewards, they learn to expect gifts without expending any effort.  A reward can be simply a walk to the park, or a glass of chocolate milk, or as great as getting a pet or having their favorite meal.  This does not mean that parents are never to give their children gifts, but it does mean that it behooves the parent and child for the parent to remind the child that through their good choices or behavior that they are going to the park, etc.  As rewarding as it is to see our children’s eyes light up with our thoughtfulness–these are indulgences.   Too many indulgences and we are not teaching our children how to EARN our regard.  (Note, I didn’t say “affection,” regard and respect have to be earned to have value.)

E) When respect is not earned at home, but is freely given as a GIFT, a child learns to expect others to give her/him the same gifts, without understanding the need to EARN them.  A child who learned and practiced the internal self-deceit of outward respect, FEARS that others may find out that he or she is not WORTHY of their actual regard.  And thus, to protect his own ego from the painful acknowledgment of being “less than”–the bully does everything he or she can to protect their fragile ego.  FEAR is a huge driving factor in bullies.

What to do about a bully?  Have it be common knowledge that Bullies are Fearful of being found out–that they have been unable to build a respected self–that they are torturing others for their own lack of courage.  School programs would do well to promote an educational understanding about bullies–and a follow-up with a mediation process that gives the bully every opportunity to explore his or her own fears and personal failings.

(We adults have our own issues with accepting adult bullies that we tend to ignore.  By ignoring grown up bullies, we are teaching the watching eyes of our children that they, too, must ignore bullies.  Remember the foreign country that ignored school bullies?  It is one of the most “class conscious” countries in the world.)

Be gentle with yourself, your children and give the gift of earned rewards.

 

 

Prom Night: A Texting Dance?

It is PROM night tonight.  I know 2 young ladies who are excited and so very pleased to be going through all the rituals known as “PROM.”

Both of these young ladies are totally addicted to their ability to text at any given moment:  only under the most severe penalties will either of them be parted from their phone.  The question is:  Will they take their phones to PROM?  The next question:  How much will they text, take pictures, text, talk, text, text and text to other PROM participants?

Prom Night (Photo credit: Vint13)

Here’s the picture:  a table full of juniors and seniors, dressed in off the shoulder, black, tux, four-inch heels, hair swept up and held with a glittering , deep necklines, barely there skirts–each one concentrating on his or her phone, thumbs flying at warp speed–to someone sitting across the table from them.  Or across the room.

Can anyone spot someone actually dancing and texting at the same time?  The imaginary picture I have is a young couple wrapped up in each other, barely moving their feet to the music, while each looks over the other’s shoulder to be able to use texting while they dance.

Has the use of social media precluded the ability to engage in face-to-face conversation?  How does the use of texting increase or limit practicing for having to cope with the reality of conversation in moments of great emotion?

I thought of this PROM scenario after reading about social media on Patrice’s.  She offers a wealth of information and questions as to how we all use our electronic devices to connect with each other–for good or not so good.

I do worry about our growing need to rely upon written media to provide instant filters between our feelings, thoughts and expressions.  I never thought I would be concerned about “taking one’s time to think things through.”  But I am, because we are limiting our ability to PRACTICE presenting ourselves as our true self–and then a time comes when we need to communicate verbally and we don’t have the ability to hit the delete button.  What happens then?

It is with great fondness and hope that I wish for families to forego the use of electronics at meal time; to have conversations while in the car; to talk to each other while playing board games, shopping, and cleaning the house.  Talk to each other about all the mundane things in your life–practicing for the times when things aren’t so mundane and boring.

Be gentle with your family and give your cell phone the night off.

With the Help of Strangers

Because we live in a rural area, a two and half hour trip “to town” is a typical need for us.  Fifty miles from home, we ran over the hook end of a bungee cord, which spearheaded itself into our tire.  On the side of the major artery (2 lanes with lots of semi trucks going past at 55 mph), we assessed that a tire had to be changed.  No problem.  Our AAA is paid up.  We pulled out our handy cell phone and dialed.  Nothing.  Dead zone.

Desert road into the mountains (Photo credit: mkrigsman)

My husband proceeded to begin the process of changing the tire, while I ranged a quarter of a mile back up the road, looking for cell phone service.  Walking beside the heavily traveled road, spotting a variety of automobile and truck nuts, bolts, etc. laying either in the road or beside the road only heightened my concern for my safety.  Trucks passing within a few feet, threatening to wind sweep me off my feet was not fun.  No cell phone service.

Back to husband to report the poor news.  He was still struggling with the spare tire.  Off in the opposite direction.  Still no cell phone reception.  Did I say it was spitting rain?  Finally, in desperation (a medical appointment was about to be lost due to our inability to be there on time), I knocked on the front door of a home sitting very close to the road.  After several moments of non-response, I turned away.  Before I got to the road,  a woman called to me.

The result was that she very kindly offered me her land line to call for assistance.  She told me that she has a constant stream of people come to her door to ask for help.  That she has lived beside this road for 20 years and that she continues to be fearful of who is coming to her door.  (She has been robbed quite frequently, due to the ease with which people can enter and exit her driveway and yard.)  Even with her concerns, she offered me the warmth of her home and spirit.

It all turned out well.  An unknown tow truck driver stopped and made sure that my husband’s new spare tire was in good working order.  The AAA driver appeared as soon as we had finished changing the tire–but he came in less than half the time that had been predicted and was graceful when he realized his services were not needed.

The woman from the home came out to make sure that we had been taken care of.  With many words of thanks to all, we resumed our trip.  We tried to call our doctor’s office for the next forty-five minutes, but found that the dead zone accompanied us.  Finally, we reached “civilization” and was able to connect with the doctor’s office.  And yes, they understood, and yes, we could be late and they would still attend to our needs.

All strangers.  All kind.  All helpful.  Overcoming individual personal time needs, personal stress and commitment to others–to help us.

As we look at this small incident in an otherwise very filled life, we realize that we have shared in these every day kindness–from others to us and us to others–all of our lives.  That no matter where we have been in the world, kind people have offered us their time, skills, generous hearts and willing hands.

“We are God’s hands” is an appropriate sentiment for the sharing of humanity along the side of a busy road, or wherever help is needed.

Be gentle with yourself and those strangers in need of “God’s hands.”

Metaphorical language of Childhood

Metaphorical language provides layers of understanding in our children’s world.  Here’s an example of a typical scene between a four-year old and her mother:

Mom and child are in the child’s bedroom.  Clean clothes are on the bed, directly delivered from the dryer.  Mom and daughter are folding and putting away the clean clothes.  Mom shows her daughter how to properly fold a tee-shirt and lay it in the drawer so it doesn’t become wrinkled.  Daughter attempts to fold the shirt, but doesn’t quite make it to non-wrinkled status. Mom shows her again.  And again.  Finally Mom smiles and says, “One more time.  The sleeves have to go this way.”

“Are you mad at Daddy?”

Fumbling to get from laundry to a husband sleeping on the couch last night, Mom says, “Oh, honey, I won’t be mad at you for not folding your shirt the right way.”

Daughter looks up and watches Mom carefully pat the professional-looking folded tee-shirt.

“I’m not mad at you,” Mom insists.

Her finger creeps into her mouth, her eyes never leaving Mom’s.

Before Mom crouches down to be at her level, she carefully lays the folded tee-shirt on top of the dresser.  She turns and cups her heart-shaped face in her hands and says, “I love you.  I would never make you sleep on the couch for not folding your shirt correctly.”

She stares soberly into her mother’s eyes, considering what has been said.  Mom smiles and regains her feet, glad that she told her how much she loved her.  As Mom is about to leave the room, her daughter quietly asks, “Can you make Daddy perfect?”

Children have a way of understanding our actions and words with much greater understanding than we realize.  Before ego defense mechanisms cloud our young ability to survey our world, we enjoy a rich tapestry of metaphorical enlightenment.  It is only through the aging process that begin to doubt our “second” sense of what really is happening right in front of us.

Be gentle with yourself and your children (and that imperfect spouse).

This Woman NOT at WAR

Dear Friends,

I had no idea that I’m currently considered to be in a WAR ON WOMEN.

Photo of an unidentified woman of the Civil War period who is wearing a kepi and a canteen. It is possible she is a vivandiere. http://www.army.mil/-images/2008/08/10/20487/ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We found out that I’m at WAR by taking a short trip from home and turning on the flat screen television in our hotel room.  (By not having television in our home, we are happily unaware of the latest political WARs of words and concepts.)

Personally, I’m having a problem at being included in someone else’  declared WAR.  Does this mean that I have to take a side, declare my alliance and then do my best to FIGHT the other side?  Do I have to see this as an–either/or–situation?  Is it them or us?

If we are ever rise above our animal instincts for survival, wouldn’t it be helpful for responsible people (in all walks of life) to refrain from immediately pushing the red attack button?  Would not it be more conducive to promote the our abilities to challenge ourselves to look for ways to be inclusive, understanding and being KIND?

So for the rest of my sisters (and brothers) out there.  I’m NOT at WAR with anyone. If there is a WAR out there, it is the WAR of WORDS to promote misunderstanding, false alliance and misplaced emotional direction.

Might I suggest that our sisterhood resist WARs, declaring our intent for a higher level of understanding and inclusion?  Or maybe, we all could do without televisions?

Be gentle with yourself and your sisters.